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  • Writer's picturesangeetaangelakumar

Christmas without my Mom

I was born on Christmas Day, most of my birthdays have been surrounded with stories of how my mom was grinding spices and she went into early labour. Because we went to boarding school the only major holiday we got was Christmas so we went big with that (Easter we were at school),

Christmas day (and my birthday) would begin at 12am where we would wait till the clock hit midnight and we would wish each other and open presents and pray and go home this happened every year. Christmas also had to be about food, in our family it would be my choice of where we would eat (most of the time Mom chose Chinese, but I did get sushi once. My favorite meal for Christmas was a breakfast buffet my parents sponsored for my Husband Zoe and I in Bhopal. Normally we would go to church in the morning followed by a nice lunch and a movie (or movies) for the rest of the day. Many times we did three movies that day.

My best Christmas is almost every Christmas but I loved the one where we flew down to Coimbatore many years ago and woke up Christmas morning and took a steam engine to Ooty. We had a special dinner and randomly walked into a church we didn’t know anyone there but we joined them for a bonfire and carols. The worst Christmas was a few days after when I had just delivered my daughter and I had very stupidly offered to cook Christmas food for everyone — It was overwhelming and I cried most of the day. Another tough Christmas was when once mom and dad had to leave for Jaipur on Christmas and I was alone for the second half of the day with no friends in a new city (in Delhi). I cried the whole time but my brother and sister in law and niece made a cake in the snow with candles and all that and wished me like that and that was so meaningful. After that my best friend robin called from Qatar and we spoke for hours. That Christmas turned out okay.

My dream Christmas would be leaving Christmas Eve from Paris on Flight and Christmas Day getting lost in all the Hollywood Christmas’s at New York with the snow and the Manhattan skyline. But my more practical dream Christmas would be snow on Christmas

Last year mom came to my place and hung out with us till after midnight and then she returned back home. It meant the world to have her with me for so much time. Means more now than I can express. She arranged the flowers I got as a surprise (she knew I wasn’t into flowers). She was always so good with her hands. I never got that from her. Death seems so final unexpected, it didn't seem that last year would be the last Christmas I have with her. So it means so much that she came all to way to meet me and bring in my birthday. If I've learned anything is live your life with those you love so deeply and lovingly that you never regret anything. I loved my mom with all my heart and she loved me too. We never stopped showing each other how much we cared for one another, daily. I know that many people don't have that habit- but you should because there's nothing more tragic than regret.

The way I’m dealing with Christmas without mom is that — all I want for Christmas is my mom celebrating it with me. Everything has changed since she died. Nothing is nice and happy in the world anymore and I don’t know if it’s ever gonna get better.

But what I am learning is that there’s a whole section of broken people during the holidays who are unable to deal with the happy of the holidays. And I finally understand and wanna send out a special Christmas wish to those broken hearted people who are feeling isolated and alone. I know more than I’ve ever known anything that Jesus is holding me and carrying me through this storm. Jesus came to save me and died for me so that I can live. And that for me is a deeper and more significant Christmas present than anything else. I love that I know that I will meet my mom again someday. And so remember to be kind to those who’ve lost someone this year hold their hand comfort them.

Because Christmas without my mom may seem less fun and more painful— but I will always have Jesus— that’s a gift that will never leave me.

I may not have my Mom but I will always have Jesus. Merry Christmas


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