Ma went in for a scheduled knee surgery at Care Hospitals, Nampally, Hyderabad. She was to recover in the ICU and was scheduled for the second knee surgery soon. However due to complications during post surgical care, she developed pneumonia which affected her lungs, she was struggling to breath, her lung collapsed and she went through 3 cardiac arrests. Despite life support, my mom passed away at 8:56am on Good Friday, April 15th 2022.
It’s been a month since she died, and in many ways I feel a big part of me has died too.
As a believer I know that she is in heaven. Conceptually all boxes are ticked, she is not in pain anymore (tick), she’s with Jesus (tick), she is enjoying eternal life (tick) but what I didn’t prepare myself for was the loss I would feel of her mortal form.
Post cancer my mom and I became much closer and she really became my only friend. I was loved dearly by my mom. She wasn’t just my mom, she was my best friend and on most days the only person who would call on my phone. The deaf silence of my phone not ringing anymore is painful. But more than that, every part of my life was embedded with her.
We would often cook our meals and speak about them to each other. On most days inspire each other and copy each other. If she made dosa at home, I would suddenly want to make it. If I made pizza one day, she would make it the next day. If I saw a cool product on any online shop I would excitedly call her and share my review. I would often try and buy the same product and get one for her, she would do the same. We all had victorinox knives we used in the kitchen, the garlic peeler I can’t live without in my cooking… Her cooking, her advice, her critique of my non existent fashion sense, her love for perfection in beauty and art and bringing meaning to everything small or big thing she did. That was my mom.
Her life was lived to the fullest— her passion joy and vigour for life was unmatched. Where we are happy she isn’t suffering, her missing presence has created a vaccum in our lives and we miss her very dearly.
One month ago, I was in Bombay on my way to the airport to meet her when she passed. I thought once I see her I’d feel better. She was beautiful in the morgue, glowing and looking like she was resting and sleeping
Then I kept thinking after the funeral id feel better, I didn’t.
I thought after the memorial I’d feel better but I didn’t
I thought after the video I made to honor her life, I’d feel better but I didn’t…
I thought after a month I’d feel better but I still don’t.
This month has been painful, but I understand as days are going by and I cry everyday— that the loss of your mother cannot be “gotten over”.
I am aware that she’s happier now and in a better place but I miss her presence. Death is so final
I keep expecting this all to be a Terrible dream but it isn’t. Today I was finally able to blog. I hope to get back into mainstream life but everything is taking time.
For those who care: things aren’t too great with us right now.
We are trying to get systems in place to help us to move forward step by step. There’s so much uncertainity. I’ve shut my studio temporarily to focus on healing and restoration. but I also don’t know if I will be able to get back to work. I am unsure when I’ll be able to smile again. How can one smile?
She lived a good life, a life of blessing— so I’m happy she’s not suffering anymore, but I’m lost as well.
Of course I understand this must be my grieving process. I’m unable to draw as well I’m unable to visit a beach (her fav) I’m unable to enjoy a sunset.
I hope I will be able to get back to those things soon.
5 things I’ve been thinking about during our time of mourning
1- I am proud and happy that I loved her with all my heart, valued her, I had no regrets or guilt, still its hit me hard. never realized “the finality of death”
2- I am disappointed with people. Barely a handful of people attended her funeral. Even though many of them were in Hyderbad… most people had some excuse or the other. My mom was always faithful, always remembering birthdays its tragic for me that many dear to her heart didn’t bother coming. Friend wise, no one from my “circle of friends” bothered (apart from the generic condoles) Only those who lost their moms, (Two or three friends) checked on us. I learned that People don’t care until someone dies, they momentarily share their condolences and then they go back to not caring (friends are not really friends). The world is in a rush to move on and move forward but I find people unbearable now, especially those who have no understanding and sensitivity of what anguish a person goes through when they lose someone.
3. Those who did show up, I will always be indebted to. They honored my father and our family and her.
4. The worst statement I’ve heard since mom died was people call and say “I don’t know what to say” I would tell those people “if you do not know what to say don’t call”
5. The truth is the people who love you are not those “you hope” will love and accept you. The people who love you are the ones you know for sure who love you. My mom and dad turned out were my only loyal, faithful friends “in the world” because no one (if you think about it, REALLY unconditionally cares do they). I had two people who I loved and who loved me “unconditionally” and now I have just one.
My mom is with the Lord.
I will meet her again in Heaven
And she is happier
and with that I rest my heart.